An Amateur’s Guide to a Juice Cleanse

St. Scholastica's Student Newspaper
The Cable
By: Anna Wetter  - Student Journalist -
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Why drinking all of your meals is horrible

I was casually checking my bank account when I noticed that the last four transactions were for Taco Bell, Culver's, Arby's and more Taco Bell. I normally laugh at those who preach the beauty of fad diets and flaunt their horrible-looking green drinks around, but when my roommate wanted to drop a few quick pounds before a trip, I thought that it would be an interesting experiment to try out a juice cleanse with her, and try to redeem myself from the disgrace of my past credit card purchases. I also decided to live-tweet my juice cleanse so I could pinpoint exactly when I began to lose my mind. So, alas, we began.

Neither of us knew what the hell we were doing, I had never dieted before, so we found a few juice cleanse recipes online and bought an entire cart full of fruits and vegetables. Basically, our plan was to stay on this cleanse for four days and then go back to real people food because neither of us have that much self-control (hence the extensive list of fast food). Let me bring you along on my sad, sad story of liquid meals.

Day 1: I started chopping up all of the vegetables in the morning for these stupid drinks and I already wanted to give up. Want to know what sounded a lot easier? Taco Bell breakfast. But no, we kept chopping and filled up an entire blender full of all this healthy crap. We had to add in water because it was so thick with kale, and at that moment, I had never seen a more disgusting sight. If you've ever had to scrape out the bottom of a lawn mower, it looked and smelt nearly identical. Juice cleanse tip #1: When doing a juice cleanse, BUY A JUICER. Trust me - nothing is worse than chewing through wet chunks of leafy greens.

Day 2: I woke up craving a cheeseburger. Who even does that? I seriously considered blending up a burger and calling it a juice. Anyways, the next recipe called for fresh beets and I was pretty excited because it meant the drinks wouldn't be green but instead a nice purple color. You know it's sad when you look forward to blending up beets. Juice cleanse tip #2: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DO NOT USE BEETS IN A JUICE CLEANSE. The taste was how I imagine a murky spring puddle tastes like when everything is melting and decomposing. Up until that point, I prided myself on the fact that I could eat anything and keep it down. This was the only exception.

Day 3: I started hating everybody who was eating solid foods. I nearly mauled a girl in the hallway because she had a cinnamon toast bagel. The weird thing was that I wasn't even that hungry because the amount of food we put in each drink was massive; I simply craved the act of snacking and chewing. Juice cleanse tip #3: Be near a bathroom almost at all times during a juice cleanse. You will have to pee every hour and it will be annoying.

Day 4: Started off the morning with this drink called "Jolt Juice" and the only thing that it jolted was my ability to complain about how much I hated this juice cleanse. Friends would offer me food and I'd have to say no and it broke my heart... my hungry, hungry heart. Juice cleanse tip #4: Hang around people who will laugh at you while you hate yourself. Self-deprecating humor is key to surviving this. For example, when I told my brother about this juice cleanse, he responded with, "Nice to see you've regressed twenty years and have started eating baby food." Thanks, bro.

Through this cleanse, I ended up dropping a few pounds and also some of my dignity, but all-in-all, it was a hysterical experience that really gave a new meaning to roommate bonding.